Well, technically, John is not dead. John could never die, and there’s a simple explanation for that. John is not real. We talk about him, talk with him, but he’s not exactly real, we jus like him that way. John could just as fine be a corpse, and it wouldn’t make much difference, because he lives trough his ideas. And that’s exactly why John lets himself die, little by little, fading day by day, going deeper and deeper in his ocean of loathing, fighting a little less with every day that passes over his head.
Yet John could never die. He might lose his way, even lose himself in the meantime, but he will never depart from his existence, we won’t let it happen. His legacy must go on, his ideas must be shared with the world, even tough the world refuses to share its ideas with him. That is why John is forced into making his own thoughts, creating inside his brain. And that scares him a bit. He’s got the power to create, and it is dangerous, because he’s well informed about what he is capable of.
John’s brain is a dark place, with an imagination that would make most people jealous, but with a lack of direction, wandering pointlessly from thought to thought, creating symbols and ideas, just to burn them down the second after. In his mind, John kills himself everyday, just to return stronger and more confused every time. He probably tries to find his limits, to see how much of him he can take, before he has to throw himself away and come again in a whole new outfit.
The truth is, John can’t kill himself. He tried, he did his utmost best you might say, but it didn’t work. The dark side of him is so deeply stuck in his soul that it is impossible to make it go away. And he realized that, so he decided to embrace it instead. Why fight away something you can’t resist? It’s not worth it, especially when you know you’re fighting off the windmills. So John did the wise thing, he took the logical way out, by stopping to fight off his ugliness, by making it his own and starting to appreciate it, because it’s part of who he is, and who is he is the only thing that matters. John stopped fighting his inner demons. He joined their side instead.