Johns peace of mind

Most recently, John Doe has experienced one of the best things in life, by his standards anyway. The strangest feeling curled up in his dirty little soul, the feeling of relief. He finds it most reassuring, sublime you might say. John thinks it’s great to just wake up one day and realize that the terrible pain you felt over and over, the unbearable weight that was pressing on your heart is simply gone. With no reason at all, the pain disappeared, leaving John with nothing but a deaf ache in the bottom of the soul, easily overcame by the brain.

For John, that’s the ideal right now. The pain is gone, the feelings are dead, the loathing becomes futile and all that remains is pure indifference, of the most natural kind. It’s good to feel this way. You don’t have to worry anymore, you don’t have to care about anything or anyone. Not even himself. He’s living his life at its lowest, doing absolutely nothing constructive, killing time instead of demons. Truth be told, he might be right. Everyone in this world is chasing a dream they’ll never reach, fighting a problem they’ll never solve. John Doe has given up on these things. Instead, he’s letting go of the fight, leaving himself in the hands of whatever destiny he still believes in.

John doesn’t love, he doesn’t hate, he doesn’t waste brain cells or time on such fragile and even painful things. He gives nothing to the world, expecting nothing in return. His main philosophy right now is one so simple, and yet so beautiful:”happiness is overrated”. Yes, it’s true, Preach it to the world, John Doe has figured it out. Happiness is overrated, and the chase to the goal takes the focus off the pursuit itself. John realized that he’ll feel much better living in the moment, enjoying the present, rather than fighting to exhaustion, trying to reach an ideal that’s impossible to accomplish. The love he’s got to the world is now a real one, a beautiful one, and future holds no answers because he’s got no questions left to ask. It’s like he had a fucking epiphany. He didn’t even search for it.

Don’t get me wrong, John doesn’t encourage anyone to just forget his dreams and live without any guidance. On the contrary, he also believes in the concept of “dreaming big”. Anyone needs to have a goal, a target, a finish line. You just have to learn how to enjoy the race more than the photo finish. And John did that. He is now a changed man, but he didn’t evolve. No, John stepped down a leader, going back to a past state of mind, the one that brings him most comfort with minimal effort needed, the real indifference, the true ignorance that brings him so much of the beloved bliss.

Long live the John

            Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it is true, let the world know, John Doe’s alive. He dies a little everyday, but in the same way, he lives a little longer, he becomes a little more, he evolves, you might say. With every piece of him that falls apart, a new piece comes to life, mending the broken parts of his soul. John can never die, no matter how hard this world tries to take him down. His mind always finds a way to repair what the heart is breaking, replacing the pain with sheer rational indifference. He becomes someone new with every moment that passes, and every moment that passes transforms into something new.

            There’s only one question that keeps rising above all others tough. How long does it take until there’s nothing left of John to repair? How much longer can he swim in this sea of loathing, until he drowns and looses touch for ever and eternity? We will soon find out. There’s not much left of the John that used to be a while back, and there’s not much to go until a new John makes his way into the world.

This new John, well he’s something else. He evolved, he grew, but not into a better human, rather into a stronger one. He’s more untouchable now than he ever was before, he doesn’t even need to fight off the darkness, because the darkness doesn’t come after him anymore. It comes from him now, and instead of fighting it, he must release it, let it free into the world around him. John doesn’t want that tough. A small part of him keeps on fighting, and fighting, and struggling. That insignificant piece of soul that hasn’t been darkened, and will never be. Because however twisted the life of John Doe may seem, there’s always the hope that’s keeping him alive. His heart is breaking, his mind is rebuilding, but somehow there’s something that never changes. Deep down he’s forever in search for the same thing, the thing that all humans want but so few of them get, and that thing is peace of mind.

Long live the true John Doe.

The John is dead

            Well, technically, John is not dead. John could never die, and there’s a simple explanation for that. John is not real. We talk about him, talk with him, but he’s not exactly real, we jus like him that way. John could just as fine be a corpse, and it wouldn’t make much difference, because he lives trough his ideas. And that’s exactly why John lets himself die, little by little, fading day by day, going deeper and deeper in his ocean of loathing, fighting a little less with every day that passes over his head.

            Yet John could never die. He might lose his way, even lose himself in the meantime, but he will never depart from his existence, we won’t let it happen. His legacy must go on, his ideas must be shared with the world, even tough the world refuses to share its ideas with him. That is why John is forced into making his own thoughts, creating inside his brain. And that scares him a bit. He’s got the power to create, and it is dangerous, because he’s well informed about what he is capable of.

            John’s brain is a dark place, with an imagination that would make most people jealous, but with a lack of direction, wandering pointlessly from thought to thought, creating symbols and ideas, just to burn them down the second after. In his mind, John kills himself everyday, just to return stronger and more confused every time. He probably tries to find his limits, to see how much of him he can take, before he has to throw himself away and come again in a whole new outfit.

            The truth is, John can’t kill himself. He tried, he did his utmost best you might say, but it didn’t work. The dark side of him is so deeply stuck in his soul that it is impossible to make it go away. And he realized that, so he decided to embrace it instead. Why fight away something you can’t resist? It’s not worth it, especially when you know you’re fighting off the windmills. So John did the wise thing, he took the logical way out, by stopping to fight off his ugliness, by making it his own and starting to appreciate it, because it’s part of who he is, and who is he is the only thing that matters. John stopped fighting his inner demons. He joined their side instead.  

Johns idealism demolished

            We already established that John Doe is an idealist, always in search for true love, whatever that is. Now let us try and figure out what is that supposed to mean. It’s quite hard actually, because John’s ideal isn’t exactly a pattern that needs to fit. Most of the time he doesn’t even know what he wants, and when by chance he finds some sort of guidance, he persistently screws everything up with a precision that would make a Swiss watch jealous.

            It’s not like he doesn’t try or something, he is just incapable of holding on to a direction long enough to reach a goal. He doesn’t fool himself. He knows true love is an utopia, and he doesn’t expect to find it in this life. The world, in his conception, is just too self-centered to achieve such a thing. And then, what’s the point in trying to reach out to something you most definitely never find? The earth is full of true believers in a fake cause. The cause of love. As if love could mean everything in life. That’s a load of crap. For John, even happiness is optional. You don’t need to be happy to live, being happy is just a bonus, an extended version of a pathetic existence.

            But sadness isn’t an option either. You don’t have to be sad just because you’re not happy. Being unhappy doesn’t take you down to the other edge, the cold and desperate edge of depression. It just makes you unhappy, it’s something that you don’t have, not something that you miss. John is not a hypocrite, he doesn’t fool himself into believing that he is better off in his lack of happiness. He’s living his life just like everyone else, throwing himself into wild goose chase after wild goose chase, in the pursuit of the thing that everyone wants, but almost no one gets in this world. Bliss. That beautiful yet so frustrating feeling, that some get out of drugs, others out of alcohol, and the fools from what they think is love. John gets his dose of bliss from the easiest dealer out there, the oldest and simplest form of the drug, ignorance. Yes, ignorance is bliss, and John believes in that.

            All of this doesn’t mean that John doesn’t believe in love. That’s not at all the case. He’s a fool like everyone else, the foulest of them all, I may say. He’s so hung up on his ignorance that he searches for the other source of happiness only in the purest form. He wishes for absolute love, he falls with ease, but he falls hard, and he usually goes for the thing he knows from the start that he’ll never have. That doesn’t bother him though. He got used to swimming in a sea of “what if”s, never being able to reach the shore, never finding closure or getting any satisfaction of any sort. He’s been doing this for so long that you might even think he started to like it. And he will most likely never find solid ground. He just swims from raft to raft, trying not to drown, letting himself be carried by the currents.

The innocent imagination of John

            A thing you should know about John Doe. He’s not some creepy dude that you hear about and never want to face, but he’s not a friendly fella’ either. He’s got a weird side, an unconventional imagination, but he’s able to contain it, to never let it escape the border of his solitary meditation. He never shares any of the stuff that’s filling up the dark corners of his mind.

            Another thing you should know, despite the image you’ve seen so far and the picture that you’ve probably made about him, is that John is a hopeless romantic. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, break the news, alert the authorities, ‘cause our beloved sociopath, John Doe, is a true believer in the cause of absolute love. And he’s stupid too, did I mention that? But I guess you can’t blame him. His small yet damaged mind needs to hang on to something, and what better to keep the brain busy than a wild ghost hunt for a miracle that never delivers.

            Love makes John a better person tough. It’s the reason that he doesn’t truly hate people. He says he hates part of the human interaction, but the truth is this is just another way of saying that he doesn’t care about that part. John Doe, stupid as he is, was capable of acknowledging a few things, believe it or not. He found out all by himself that hate and love have a lot in common, the main resemblance being the intensity of the feeling. Hating someone requires the existence of the feeling of hate, same as for loving someone. Hate means feeling, and the idealist in John is not too keen of wasting emotions on something that ain’t worth it.

            Taking into consideration that fact, John has cleverly, or not, created a pattern for experiencing his emotions. For him, the world divides into three main categories. The first category represents the people he accepts, that are part of his everyday life and that tolerate him, more or less. The second category, and this includes a vast majority of the world, is composed of the people he genuinely doesn’t give a shit about. John doesn’t like to consume too much emotion in everyday life, so he replaced the concept of hate, and the feeling in the matter, with something less consuming, that being the lack of feeling. His philosophy is simple, why hate when you can ignore? And it’s a good one too, life would be much easier if we could all do that.

            The third category of human beings that are part of John Does brain and heart, is made up of that special one, the one and only at the time being, the single most important human, that deserves to love and to be loved. It’s unimportant who that is, the thing that maters is that the one, whoever she may be, is the single person in Johns life that gets the love, the whole love and nothing but the love. There’s someone in his life, at almost any given time, which is truly loved. She might not know it, she might not understand it, but that’s the only one that matters to John. 

Back to John

            Ok, so where was John? Right, we left him in his sea of self-loathing and indifference. That’s the place that he finds himself feeling the most comfortable, I suppose. And who could ever blame him? Is there anyone that can find a better place of mind for someone as bad as John? Because John is bad. He may seem like a misfortunate bloke at first sight, nut the truth is, John Doe is in essence one of the worst bastards the earth has ever seen.

            Don’t get me wrong, he is not a bad human being. He’s got a good moral code and an education that makes him perfectly prepared for the life that’s coming after all of us. But John is bad, he’s bad to himself. If he could break in two, he would probably kill his alter ego, make him endure the most horrible kinds of torture, without even blinking. His soul has been lured to the dark side and it’s hard to say if he can ever return, if he can fight his way back into the light, whatever that means.

            Now let me do some explaining on the matter in hand. You must agree with me that there is a need for explanation after a portrait such as the one I presented on John. First thing’s first, John has recently escaped from a very disturbing situation, the kind of shit that would throw a guy into despair. I am, of course, talking about a woman, because there’s obviously nothing that can wreck a guy’s soul worse than the wicked games of a twisted female being.  The story itself is not that much, it was basically a “love at first sight” or something like that type of thing, for him of course, because for her it was anything but. Short story would be: met the girl, made a move, got rejected softly, grew apart, started reconnecting, got double-crossed and screwed over, didn’t learn his lesson, went for it once again, and once again got fooled and fell on the ground.

            So, john is a perseverant type of guy. One might even say he’s stupid, and that particular one might even be closer to the truth than he thinks. Yes, John is stupid, and he knows that oh so well, but it doesn’t bother him, because he genuinely doesn’t give a fuck about what everyone thinks, and he doesn’t give a fuck about how smart or stupid he plays his life. He simply takes it one day at a time, never calculating his next mistake, but embracing each one with the warm and loving arms of indifference. You may say it’s not good for him, or for anyone else, but then he’d say he doesn’t give a single fuck about what you may say, and continue doing the same retarded mistakes over and over again, until he can’t do them anymore.

            That’s what John is all about. Mistake after mistake, he loathes his life, too much to change it, and yet too little to end it. He considered putting a break to his pitiful existence, but he either realized he doesn’t have the courage, or he concluded that it just ain’t worth the trouble. That’s why he keeps breathing the same wrong air every day and doing the same stupid things, until the earth decides that it can’t hold him any longer, and then he will leave, but not by his own hand.