John's incapability

                Next comes nothing. John Doe is still down, with not much hope of getting up. Stuck on the surface, barely floating, praying for a miracle. A miracle that will probably never come. He's missed his chance, he blew it away like he always does. A chance came, another after, but as always, he dismissed them without hesitation. He didn't even realize he did it. He never does. His intentions are always good, but somehow he shoots himself in the foot with any given opportunity. If only he would have the courage of being so kind as to aim for the heart for a chance. But he's too much of coward for that.

                John has many, let's call them attributes because they not really are flaws, but you definitely can't call them qualities either. One of them, one of the biggest ones is, of course, hypocrisy. It's ironically one of the things he despises most in this world. But he can't help it, he is by his nature a hypocrite. Not by choice, of course, but it's not something he tries to change either. Truth be told, he's not changing anything. That's partly because he doesn't believe in changes, not when it comes to people. People never change, they just unravel new sides of their character as they move along trough life.

                That aside, let's get back to the hypocrite . John Doe. that is. You see, John had to choose to go on. life forced him into it. The only problem is, he's got no idea how to do it. He hits his head to a wall whenever he tries to get up. And that wall is his hypocrisy. He says he wants to meet people, go places, but when a chance presents itself, he does his best to alienate it as soon and as efficient as possible. He walks away from new people, he takes the long but familiar way home. He does his utmost best not to wander off too far from his comfort zone, and that's the thing that's ruining him the most. The same old friends, the same old places, the same old life. The past lives in his present so vividly that he sometimes thinks he's remembering, when he's actually living in the moment. The boundaries between the present and the past are faded. But there's no "déjà vu" in it. It couldn't be. Because he has burned all the bridges, broke all connections with his past. And when he realizes that, it's when he breaks the spell and gets back in the moment.

                The sad part is, when he gets back in the moment, he realizes that the moment is nothing, the moment is empty. When the dream is gone, when the past becomes past once again, that's when John tries to evade, to get on with it. And then he hits another wall. This time it's his power of will. The lack of it, to be more specific. He's a coward. He's so terrified at the thought of something working out for him that he tries very hard to sabotage any attempt of escape from the comfort zone. His zone. He tries to push himself, but he unconsciously screws up every time. He lies to himself on a daily basis, telling himself that from now on things will be different, but in reality, he does nothing to even try and make them better. He hates the place he's at, but deep down he doesn't want to leave. And that's why he has no will. The only things he seems able to hold on to are bad habits. He needs help, and he sure as hell can't help himself. So, if you see John on the street, remember to help him, for what is worth. And if you don't, and you'll probably never will, just try and pray for him, to whatever entity you might think our world is governed by. Feel sorry for John Doe, because he can never feel sorry for himself.

John's turning point

                That's it. No more, John Doe can't take no more. There's just so much you can accept until you break. Nobody's fireproof, and John is far from it. He's hit rock bottom. He's as low as a man can get. He thought he could handle it just like he did before, he forced himself to fight his desires, but he failed oh so miserably and lost. He suffered a horrible defeat from life, and now he's got two things to choose from. He can  give it all up and say his goodbyes to this cruel world, then go back into the darkness that gave him life, fade back into the embracing oblivion of inexistence.

                But he's not ready for that, he can't give up his existence just yet. There are many things that he's done wrong, tons of mistakes and a whole lot of resent in his life. He's not ready to make amends with this world. At this point, he just hates himself too much to do it. He needs to prove to himself that he can do better, that he can make better mistakes, that he is capable of regrets. He still hasn't made enough trouble to himself to wake the regrets inside his heart. So he can't go, not yet.

                So what's the boy supposed to do now? What can you do when you can't even give up? Well, thank God I said there were two choices. Since the first is out of the question, let's see what's with the second one. The only one actually, because the first was never an option. This one, well this one's the real deal, not the thing he wants, but the thing he needs right now. It's funny how life just puts it on the table for you, and all it took was one tiny mistake, one tiny stupid thing to snap him out of his drifting and remind him that he's in the middle of the ocean, and he'll soon be drowning.

                What do you do when you hit the ground hard? What do you do when there's no place lower you can sink into? Until not long ago, John did nothing. He tried to merely survive from one day to another, tried to go along with the undercurrents. And it worked, for a while. But now he's stuck on the ground, and he simply can't stay down a minute longer, even though he would like nothing better. It somehow sucks, knowing you can never go back to that bottom, or at least hoping you never will. Life moves on though, and so must John Doe. Where else could he go from the bottom of the lowest? Well, there isn't much of a choice. He has to get up. He has to try and fight for it, whatever it may be.

                It took a small thing to get here, a small, insignificant detail, a missed opportunity, or better yet said a denied opportunity. John so easily proved to himself that he's got every good reason to resent himself. He's a coward, a hypocrite, he's stupid, vain and what not. He's pretty much everything he hates in this life, but he's got one tiny little hope to cling on. He's a dreamer. And that's enough to make him move forward. He'll probably never change, no one ever does for that matter, but he doesn't want to. He may continue to be a total fool and a resentful human being, but that means he will also continue to be a dreamer, an idealist. He will always fight for what's right, even if he won't do it in the end. As long as there's even the tini0st bit of conscience left in his soul, he'll go on.

                It's hard to say what going on means, it's not something you can easily express in words. It's not like he didn't move on until now. He moved on. But he merely survived, he didn't live, he hasn't lived in a long time. That ends now, or at least it should. No more drowning in his own sorrow, no more lost chances, no more missing the past. It's all just water under a bridge now, and life goes on. And John goes on. And he hasn't got a clue what to do next. John Doe will merely try to make bigger and better mistakes tomorrow, one day at a time. So, what's next?

All cameras on John

John Doe is stuck. He needs a new life, he needs to get out, to reboot himself. His mind is blocked in a sad part of his past ant it’s repeating it like an old VCR that’s stuck on replay. Lately, his existence is down to just surviving the world around him, not even aware of what’s going on outside his brain. For all he knows a meteor might have even landed on earth and destroyed half it’s surface, and he couldn’t care less. He needs to break out.

The sad part is that, well, he can’t. He tries, oh how he tries, but the past keeps coming back to him, hitting him in the face and knocking him unconscious, back to the memories that hurt him so bad. Every minute, every day the same scenes compulsively repeated inside his head, as if his brain is hoping that sooner or later the outcome will change. But it doesn’t. No mater how hard he tries, everything stays the same, he relives the same pain, he does things just as wrong. It’s like he’s watching a bad movie, screaming at the actor not to do this or not to say that, but the actor knows his part, and the silent screams that break his skull are muted, because only the director could ask for another take, and the director is long gone.

The movie was played, the roles were fulfilled, and John remains the only one that doesn’t seem to be able to move on to new role. Everyone left the theatre, and the film gets played back endlessly for the audience of one from a broken projector. And maybe, just maybe, if he watches it long enough, John will eventually forget who the main characters are, and he wont feel the pain in his eyes that appears every time the slides are focused in his eyelids, the pain that almost makes his eyelids moisture. Maybe he’ll even become amused by the movie, realize that it’s been a bad comedy all along, and he’ll give it a bad mark on a rating chart and move along to start a new role, with a whole new cast.

He wishes he could find the director and ask him to change the setting, to change the lines, the lights, the costumes, hoping that it will change the plot also. He wishes to talk to the script writer, to ask him what was he thinking when he wrote such a poor excuse for a dark comedy. But most of all, he wishes to go back and talk with the actor, the one that chose to play the part, knowing that the story was bad, knowing that there will be only one viewer able to appreciate it for what it’s worth. It’s too late now, the scenes were filmed, edited and released, and the viewer saw it way to many times.

It’s not that hard to figure it all out. You should have got the point by now. Yes, John Doe is the actor, and yes, John Doe is the character, and yes, the one and only, John Doe is the faithful viewer that comes back to the theatre every time the show is projected, and forgets to leave when the curtain is drawn. And he needs a new manager, because if he doesn’t find another movie to play in soon, his career will be over and all will have been for nothing. It takes a flop to know what a flop is, but it also takes a flop to truly appreciate a success. It’s time for John to get his time to shine, his fifteen minutes of fame, and the firs step is to burn down the theatre, along with the dusted rolls of film that the projectionist forgot in the machine a long time ago. And scene.