Wednesday, 13 February 2013

John's turning point

                That's it. No more, John Doe can't take no more. There's just so much you can accept until you break. Nobody's fireproof, and John is far from it. He's hit rock bottom. He's as low as a man can get. He thought he could handle it just like he did before, he forced himself to fight his desires, but he failed oh so miserably and lost. He suffered a horrible defeat from life, and now he's got two things to choose from. He can  give it all up and say his goodbyes to this cruel world, then go back into the darkness that gave him life, fade back into the embracing oblivion of inexistence.
                But he's not ready for that, he can't give up his existence just yet. There are many things that he's done wrong, tons of mistakes and a whole lot of resent in his life. He's not ready to make amends with this world. At this point, he just hates himself too much to do it. He needs to prove to himself that he can do better, that he can make better mistakes, that he is capable of regrets. He still hasn't made enough trouble to himself to wake the regrets inside his heart. So he can't go, not yet.
                So what's the boy supposed to do now? What can you do when you can't even give up? Well, thank God I said there were two choices. Since the first is out of the question, let's see what's with the second one. The only one actually, because the first was never an option. This one, well this one's the real deal, not the thing he wants, but the thing he needs right now. It's funny how life just puts it on the table for you, and all it took was one tiny mistake, one tiny stupid thing to snap him out of his drifting and remind him that he's in the middle of the ocean, and he'll soon be drowning.
                What do you do when you hit the ground hard? What do you do when there's no place lower you can sink into? Until not long ago, John did nothing. He tried to merely survive from one day to another, tried to go along with the undercurrents. And it worked, for a while. But now he's stuck on the ground, and he simply can't stay down a minute longer, even though he would like nothing better. It somehow sucks, knowing you can never go back to that bottom, or at least hoping you never will. Life moves on though, and so must John Doe. Where else could he go from the bottom of the lowest? Well, there isn't much of a choice. He has to get up. He has to try and fight for it, whatever it may be.
                It took a small thing to get here, a small, insignificant detail, a missed opportunity, or better yet said a denied opportunity. John so easily proved to himself that he's got every good reason to resent himself. He's a coward, a hypocrite, he's stupid, vain and what not. He's pretty much everything he hates in this life, but he's got one tiny little hope to cling on. He's a dreamer. And that's enough to make him move forward. He'll probably never change, no one ever does for that matter, but he doesn't want to. He may continue to be a total fool and a resentful human being, but that means he will also continue to be a dreamer, an idealist. He will always fight for what's right, even if he won't do it in the end. As long as there's even the tini0st bit of conscience left in his soul, he'll go on.
                It's hard to say what going on means, it's not something you can easily express in words. It's not like he didn't move on until now. He moved on. But he merely survived, he didn't live, he hasn't lived in a long time. That ends now, or at least it should. No more drowning in his own sorrow, no more lost chances, no more missing the past. It's all just water under a bridge now, and life goes on. And John goes on. And he hasn't got a clue what to do next. John Doe will merely try to make bigger and better mistakes tomorrow, one day at a time. So, what's next?

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