Tuesday, 17 November 2015

John's gun game

                Aaand we're  back. I mean we never left. We were just quiet, lurking in the shadows, kept our breaths until an opportunity presented itself. Wait a second... Did I say we? Who the hell is we? Why are we talking in plural here?
                I meant John. Clearly. Obviously. Silly me, talking about anyone else. There is no anyone else. Just John. Forever and ever, like in the fairytales. Or was that in the nightmares? I don't even know anymore.
                Anyhow, let's get back to what's important. John. He is his own story after all. He's even in the titles. Even though important is quite a big attribute to give to John. He's only important for himself, only in his head, only in this story which is his. By him, with him and about him. Maybe not really by him, but who cares? It's not like it's relevant.
                As we left him, John was, I think, on the verge of a glorious death. A beautiful death. A death that would set him free. He was almost on his higher ground, almost on his peek, right when he was at his lowest point. But it's been a long time from then, hasn't it. You'd think he'd made it, you'd think that's why he's been gone for so long. And you'd most certainly be... Wrong. Yup, still here, still riding strong. Still alive. And what a beautiful time to be alive. Well not for him, but in general.
                Oh no, not for him indeed. He waited and waited and waited. And nothing. Nothing ever happens. He longed for it for so long, that it all went to shit. And he needed another to realize. Another false promise. Another beautiful lie that kicked him in the head and caused some sort of epiphany. A commotion actually.  And it came, not as expected, but it came. A false friend, a false lover, a testimony of truth nonetheless. It all came clear then.
                John shall never die again. He's stuck,  or better yet condemned to live. He will never find what he's looking for. That beautiful death, that liberating feeling of letting go just to get caught by life at the very last second. That rebirth. It's nothing but a myth. Condemned to live forever and forever condemned to live. Like in some sort of limbo, like in a persistent state of life. It's funny if you think about it, to realize that there's nothing more to life than living.
                Now let's take a moment and reflect about this so called realization. This new element in the life of John the undying. She, because obviously it's a she, came like a storm and left even faster, wreaking havoc all around her. At first glance, just another night she was, just another fun time. Not even worthy of remembering. And that's exactly what made her special. What sparked the flame of illumination in Johns head, if you want. That she was just another one of the, not many, but few.
                That's John's curse, that's his sin. He'll never find death because death doesn't exist in his world anymore. Only numbing pain. A perpetual game of Russian roulette. With no bullets in the chamber. But he doesn't know that. He keeps pulling the damn trigger, hoping for that bullet to come out of the barrel and shatter his brains all across the universe. But the bullet never comes. No boom breaking the silence.

Only click... click... click... 

Monday, 13 July 2015

Confusing John

who the fuck am I
and who the hell are you?
why are we here together
and what are we supposed to do?

why am I running?
why are you standing still?
do we even know eachother?
or do we only do it for the thrill?

I guess we'll never know
I guess we'll never meet
we're only gonna live forever
with the earth beneath our feet....

Monday, 6 April 2015

John's neverending chase

You try to run
and you try to hide
but they always find you,
they always catch up.

You try to hide
and you try to run
'cause you want to deceive them,
chase them away.

And you try to drown them
in poison and smoke
but they know how to swim,
they feed from the bane.

And wherever you go
and whatever you do
they'll always be with you,
the demons

that live in your head.

Saturday, 21 March 2015

John's untalented struggle

Blank spaces

The feeling you get
When it's 3 in the morning
and you're alone in your head
and you eagerly want to write
but you have nothing to say to the paper
and the thoughts crawl beside you
and you want nothing more than to think
of her
and miss her
but then you realize that there is no her

and maybe there never even was...

Thursday, 22 January 2015

John's repentance

Choosing a penance

The light of day
and the darkness of night
and there is nothing one can do
to escape them both.

You must choose your penance
but choose wisely because
the pain is bigger than the dismay
and it's better to feed
your horror
rather than damage