Do you believe in second chances? Well, John doesn't. He only believes in second screw-ups. Every new opportunity is for him just another time bomb waiting for the right moment to blow up in his face. And the trigger? It's him, of course. It's always him. Nobody is able to fuck John's life with more sheer talent than John Doe. He's a master of destruction, everything he touches turns to dust, and for some reason he takes an awful amount of pleasure out of touching his own life.
He's got to take some solace tough. It's a mad world out there. He's not the only screw-up. Everybody has baggage, and some even manage to carry it with them without stress. John isn't quite like that. He's the bad kind of baggage. The sad, miserable, self-loathing and not caring type. He got used to it, and he just keeps on surviving, day after day. And it's a pain. It's just a goddamn pain. He's sick and tired of surviving, of carrying on.
John Doe craves death. Just like people crave happiness, or health, he craves to die. Why? Because it's a mad world. And he's the wrong kind of fucked-up. Usually, when people get screwed, they go into despair, pain, or even suicide to get over it. Nut not John, he's not like that. He's an extraordinary screw-up. He doesn't feel sadness, or despair, or depression. He feels nothing. And it's a pain. He just wants to die so he can live again.
You know how people say to get the best out of life and enjoy the little things? Fucking hypocrites. And they also tell you not to let the small things bother you. Fucking hypocrites with double standards. John is different tough, he's not an hypocrite in this matter. He takes nothing out of nothing. For him there are no small thing, and no big things either. There is just the life we have to live, the life that's a bitch, the life that is way too stubborn to end itself. But, that's just it. John just has to go on. Another day another pray, another attempt at even the slightest of feelings, another failed attempt, of course.
Still, we should talk about chances. Because John might just be facing this, a chance. The past is back to haunt him again. Not the old past, that one never really left. The much more recent past. A missed chance, a lost opportunity. He might even get lucky enough and die. Just so he can live again. Because for John Doe, that expression saying that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger is just a load of crap. For him, it's not even what kills him. He just never gets stronger, he just discovers more and more sides of him, he's in a constant pursuit, trying to evade his mind and explore the real world.
Too hard tough. How can you ever ask someone to deliberately leave their comfort zone, just to go out into this mad world? John likes his twisted reality, it's his only constant in a world of constant change. People never change, but the world does, way too often, and it forces John to hide even deeper inside his mind. But now he has a new chance to break out. Who knows? Maybe this is the death he's been craving for. Maybe he will wake up and be able to feel again. But can he take the leap? Can he evade? It's hard to say. He might just be unconfortably numb enough to go for it. What's the worst that could happen? He can always come back to his lack of feeling, so he's got nothing to lose. Here comes nothing, another chance to screw things up. Maybe this time he'll break himself right.
Here's to the proper way of screwing up.