Tuesday, 16 April 2013

John the undying

                The poor sucker just won't die already. It kind of gets tiring to wait and wait and wait for the day when John Doe can finally go down, so that a new John can rise. But he's just too stubborn. And it's not like he doesn't want to die. He does, he really does with all his heart. But like any other suicidal idiot, every time he gets so close to death he thinks he finally made it, something pulls him back up, a sense of neediness, a sense of loathing for his future resurrection. Frankly,  he feels like he doesn't deserve to die, not yet. He'd much rather suffer for his sins inside his sick mind that almost turned into living hell.
                It all sounds stupid when you think about it. But it's the sad truth. And all because he's a stupid idealist. That's why he can't die. Because his death may never be perfect. And he wants it to be. Nothing less than the perfect death can do. The setting must be right, but it must happen in the wrong place, the weapon must be silent, but he must go out with a bang, everything is a contradiction in his scenario. And he won't accept anything else. And that's why he can't leave this world anytime soon, not even for a little while, as he wants.
                But wait, there's more. This absence of death has taken its toll on John's life. He can't even tell what's wrong anymore. He doesn't know if he's the screw-up, or if the world is just too wrong. Maybe there's a little bit of both. Maybe he's just a madman in a mad world. But up until now, he kept lying to himself, telling himself that it's not that bad, that he's not that bad. And when that stopped working, he started fooling himself with the hope that he will die already, and then he'll come again, and everything will change. but he knew from the beginning that it was all a lie. Nothing ever changes, remember?
                So where can he go? The world is wrong, his mind is wrong, his heart is stupid, what is there left to do? How can he get himself to stop falling into every bear trap he can find, hoping that it's the right one, the killer one? It's simple, he can't. He's back to square one. Back to the sea, back to the drifting stage, back to surviving. But there's still one thing he can do. Because he was stupid enough to set the house on fire, he wanted to go out in flames. But now he doesn't want it anymore. Now he wants back, so he must find a way. He must put out the fire, before it spreads and turns into a firestorm and burns down everything. But how can you put out a fire, without any water? Maybe if he burns himself, maybe this will work, because running away sure as hell ain't an option anymore. He was too damn stupid, and he burned down all his bridges. So now what? 

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