John Doe is
many things, but he is definitely not an outgoing person. He hates having to
initiate a conversation, and you can never count on him to be an ice-breaker.
He’s just not that into people. He hates useless interactions, and pities
others, who constantly feel the need do force conversations in order to avoid
awkwardness. He likes awkward situations, they somehow make him feel more
comfortable, in contrast with how the others feel. He doesn’t care about much,
especially not about other people’s opinion on him, so awkward times give him
the opportunity to asses different types of attitudes and actions.
In some way,
when things feel peculiar, that’s when John feels normal, knowing that he’s not
the only weird kid from the block. This attitude does not always work out for
him tough. It has cost him a lot during his existence and it most likely keep
costing him just as much. He could have done many things differently and it
probably would have meant a better life for him, he wouldn’t be so fucked up
right now. But he didn’t, and to be honest, if it were to live his life once
again, he would most likely make the same decisions and screw himself just as
well, mainly because he doesn’t give a fuck if he’s a screw up, he likes it
that way. Normal is boring, right?
And there’s
another thing. He is who he is because of these mistakes, the decisions that he
made in his existence added up and created him. We already established that
John Doe’s only conscience is the past. He lives in the present, but thinks
only in memories. And what is the past, if not a never ending series of lost
chances and missed opportunities? Let me tell you, it’s nothing. You need to
lose something in order to gain another. And John does this quite often. He
loses himself to regain another form, constantly changing and never returning
to a past form.
There is
something about these missed opportunities tough. It’s something that affects
every single one of us, even John. It’s a feeling you sometimes get in your
gut, some sort of misunderstood rage, it’s resent. Yes, even John sometimes
feels resentful. It’s quite normal actually. He feels angry or sad because of a
chance at happiness that he might have lost. And it’s not even real. It’s just
a shit at a pursuit that most often ends in grief and sorrow anyway, so there
shouldn’t be any regret there. But there is. People like to feed their
illusions, for them even that small shot, that insignificant opportunity is
something to crave for, and therefore something to resent.
He wouldn’t
change a thing tough. This resent isn’t strong enough to make him try and do
something about it. It’s just one of the many small pains and inconveniences
that have learned to coexist and live in peace, safely sheltered inside John’s precious
little heart and wicked little brain. Maybe that’s why John misses his Jane
Doe. He misses the love he had for her, the love she never knew about. With
Jane, there are no missed opportunities, because there are no opportunities
whatsoever. He knew he never stood a chance with her, so he never did anything
to try and get her. It was all just about pure, unrequited love. Nothing more.
And John Doe sometimes misses that. It was a simpler time back then.
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