Saturday, 8 December 2012

John's chances and opportunities

            John Doe is many things, but he is definitely not an outgoing person. He hates having to initiate a conversation, and you can never count on him to be an ice-breaker. He’s just not that into people. He hates useless interactions, and pities others, who constantly feel the need do force conversations in order to avoid awkwardness. He likes awkward situations, they somehow make him feel more comfortable, in contrast with how the others feel. He doesn’t care about much, especially not about other people’s opinion on him, so awkward times give him the opportunity to asses different types of attitudes and actions.
            In some way, when things feel peculiar, that’s when John feels normal, knowing that he’s not the only weird kid from the block. This attitude does not always work out for him tough. It has cost him a lot during his existence and it most likely keep costing him just as much. He could have done many things differently and it probably would have meant a better life for him, he wouldn’t be so fucked up right now. But he didn’t, and to be honest, if it were to live his life once again, he would most likely make the same decisions and screw himself just as well, mainly because he doesn’t give a fuck if he’s a screw up, he likes it that way. Normal is boring, right?
            And there’s another thing. He is who he is because of these mistakes, the decisions that he made in his existence added up and created him. We already established that John Doe’s only conscience is the past. He lives in the present, but thinks only in memories. And what is the past, if not a never ending series of lost chances and missed opportunities? Let me tell you, it’s nothing. You need to lose something in order to gain another. And John does this quite often. He loses himself to regain another form, constantly changing and never returning to a past form.
            There is something about these missed opportunities tough. It’s something that affects every single one of us, even John. It’s a feeling you sometimes get in your gut, some sort of misunderstood rage, it’s resent. Yes, even John sometimes feels resentful. It’s quite normal actually. He feels angry or sad because of a chance at happiness that he might have lost. And it’s not even real. It’s just a shit at a pursuit that most often ends in grief and sorrow anyway, so there shouldn’t be any regret there. But there is. People like to feed their illusions, for them even that small shot, that insignificant opportunity is something to crave for, and therefore something to resent.
            He wouldn’t change a thing tough. This resent isn’t strong enough to make him try and do something about it. It’s just one of the many small pains and inconveniences that have learned to coexist and live in peace, safely sheltered inside John’s precious little heart and wicked little brain. Maybe that’s why John misses his Jane Doe. He misses the love he had for her, the love she never knew about. With Jane, there are no missed opportunities, because there are no opportunities whatsoever. He knew he never stood a chance with her, so he never did anything to try and get her. It was all just about pure, unrequited love. Nothing more. And John Doe sometimes misses that. It was a simpler time back then.    

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